Welcome.  Welcome.  Come one, come all into my private life.  Welcome to the moment where I fling myself, buck naked down to my cold cold heart even in the bleak midwinter, with all the grace and lightness I can muster a few minutes after my alarm has gone off.  Welcome to this moment where I fling myself and touch down on…

My scale.

Here, there are five possible scenarios.  Five scenarios, coming to you in real time, direct from my brain:

1/ Normal weight minus 5 pounds.  Wait… Wait… That is to say, IDEAL WEIGHT!  Yaaaaaaaaahhh they love me!  They really love me!  Kate moss, my love, where are you?  Let’s have a little style competition and I’m going to wipe the floor with you!  Bliss.  The universe has come once again into perfect harmony.  Smiles for passersby, kisses for the baker, a quick snuggle for his dog.  New look for a new life, time to go buy some new outfits, lethal ones, and quick!  And so on…

2/ Normal weight minus 2 pounds.  Not bad at all my girl.  Just look at that girl there on the scale, she’s got her normal weight, but now she’s just under.  This girl, a little jogging a couple times a week, and if she keeps going like that, with a little laser work for winter, she’ll been queen of the beach, even if she doesn’t really like the beach.  If you’re lookin’ as steamy as she is, you gotta love the beach, it’s obligatory.  Only people with complexes don’t like the beach.  Hey, wait… Why is it that I didn’t I like the beach before?

3/ Normal weight.  And there you go.  Voilà.  We live in a world irrevocably just.  A world where a regular girl, regularly eating calisson ice cream* watching Mad Men, and with all of her reason, her moderation and sense of balance, and even still, now she rests at her normal weight.  A world irrevocably just and… annoying as hell.  Because, well, normal weight isn’t her preferred weight, okay?  It’s her weight.  The simple, raw, truth.  Bastard.

4/ Normal weight +2:  Okay.  Okay.  SO MAYBE THE CALISSON ICE CREAM WASN’T SO NECESSARY.  Ok.  What, the coconut ice cream?  That doesn’t count, are you crazy?!  (Right there, I was talking to my Coriander Moisturizer from Kiehl’s, she’s quite nice), It’s SORBET!  It says so right there on the package.  COCONUT SORBET.  Sorbet doesn’t count, right?  And on top of that, it’s no big thing.  So I’m a little round, just a little.  It’s just… umm… delicious, see?  à la Scarlett, you know?  No no, à la Chloé Sevigny, yep.  Voilà.  It’s like a fashion goddess type thing.  Good shape and good fashion at the same time.  And here I am saying it’s possible!  And I’m going to prove it to the entire world!

Wait what?  What’s up with the baker?  He wants my picture?

5/ Normal weight +5: HELL & DAMNATION.  Calisson-coconut ice cream, maybe I didn’t so much need to accompany you with almond cookies.  Time to get out my boyfriend jeans AND QUICK.  YOU, SLIMMING BODYTONIC.  I see you giggling over there with your little pal, the roll-on double efficiency moisturizer that I never use.   Give me a couple days and I’ll show you, just you wait.  Today, broccoli.  Steamed.  NO.  NO VINAIGRETTE.  Wine?  You crazy?  Okay, okay.  Just because I need something to go with my little chocolate bar.  What?  You got a problem?

Yep, all that, including my little conversations with my beauty products, all of it, completely true.

But not so fast, after my scale broke down for a few weeks I had the impression that someone shut off the light on my ability to control my weight or that I had completely lost the dialogue with my body, I decided that, well, if hysterics must be, and they must, my conversations with my scale have kept me for years now at a weight more or less reasonable.

What?

Which one am I at today?  Wait wait wait… I can’t go answering these questions and I… Okay.  Today, I am… Hmmmmm…. I am… Okay, you win.  I’m broccoli.  Okay now.  Goodbye.  NO HUGS FOR YOU.  Goodbye, that’s good enough.  Yep.  Voilà.  That’s it.  Bye.

Hehe.

Okay, you deserve some credit as you’ve made it to the end of this little voyage into my conceited little psyche.  I’ll give you the song that inspired the title today**.  Don’t say thank you.  Nope.  Not on a broccoli day.

Ah, and the silence in the middle of the song, it’s not a glitch on DailyMotion, it’s just that at the time, people were really into adding in super cool effects to clips.  Ah!!!  What freedom!  What creativity!  What a sax!  Okay, off you go!  BIG HUGS!

Jil Caplan – Comme sur une balançoire

Translation : Tim Sullivan

*Calisson Ice Cream – Calissons are little marzipan-like candies made out of candied fruit, ground almonds and a thin layer of white icing.  They have a fruity, often melon like flavor and add them to ice cream and suddenly things get dangerous.

**comme sur une balançoire – “Like on a seesaw.”