There are times in life when you just need to indulge a little, don’t you think?

When you’re a little manhandled by too-short nights for example, or when you’ve got cheeks worn out from doing air kisses, and when your brain is on strike from talking about skirt lengths in a million different languages without speaking even one of them properly.

“In short, when you become an exhausted, hypocritical, vain and stupid creature, that’s when it’s high time to do yourself some good,” I said to myself sipping down my 12th cup of coffee.

And on top of that, that night, I had a super chic party, so I really needed to be on my game.

Anyway, I put together a list of all the reasons on earth it needed to happen, and as I was in Milan, I turned my ballet flats toward Spa Bulgari. I decided to treat myself to a facial (what an embarrassing name). It wasn’t just any facial though. It was an “Espa Intensive Facial Skin Brightener,” which included a face massage and something made from the nectar of the gods that’s supposed to morph you in an hour for a viscous monster into a creature of light.

But just to be clear, I’m sure you’ve already got this, but we’re at Bulgari. It’s just a little pricey. So, WARNING! This better be good. I give a dirty look, one that says I’ve really no interest in you mocking me, to all of the friendly, multilingual, smiling and perfumed employees and I draped myself haughtily in my bathrobe of silk from Macassar. My masseuse, Marta, asked me to escort her.

I made my way into the dimly lit room. And with a smile, Marta swept away my terrible mood. When she put me on the massage table with a delicate gesture, I was still an exhausted, vain and stupid creature. But my smile was not at all hypocritical. When she asked me to choose my essential oils, my brain ended its strike, my neurons vibrated. And when she put her hands on my face, aaaaaahhh my friends. I came back to life.

Wooooaaaaaahhhh. In-cre-di-ble. Okay, here we go, I’m totally ready for an hour of euphoria. I smile, I relax. I close my eyes.

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“And voilà! I hope you enjoyed it. I’m going to leave the room now and you can get yourself dressed. I’ll wait for you outside.”

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Shit.

It’s finished.

I fell asleep.

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NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I FELL ASLEEP IT’S ALL DONE!!!!!! My 8 million dollar massage! I’M SO PISSED!!!

Back to the front desk, I’m an exhausted, hypocritical, vain and stupid creature who wants to put a bomb in the spa.

But then a quick look in the mirror, as pride is ever present, even in times of grand revolt…

I’m simply radiant.

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Wow, looking at the result, it must have been amazing in there.

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Bollocks.

Translation : Tim Sullivan