At the time I’m writing to you, I’m sprawled out on my couch, bundled up in a sweater and tights. AND I HATE TIGHTS.
- I just don’t like putting them on. My mama taught me to start with the feet and bring ‘em up nice and slow. It’s gotta be like in all the commercials, a moment of blissful feminine intimacy, but more often than not, you end up hearing, “Sh**!!! Another run!” – Yeah, even opaque tights. What? You’ve never gotten a run in a pair of opaque tights? You must be a friend of my mother’s.
- But then also, I’m a little weird. Warning, you’re about to enter my brain: For me, black tights ADD ANOTHER COLOR. It’s not like all the girls who still have their sanity who say it’s neutral. That hey, who cares? Black doesn’t count. But still, it creates a problem in my style equation. So like, if I have a green skirt and a grey sweater with black tights, OUH NO NO TOO MANY COLORS. THAT DOESN’T WORK. And then A BLACK COLLAR WITH SHOES THAT ARE A DIFFERENT BLACK, EMERGENCY! I pretty much have a fashion panic attack. For a while after, grey tights were a great psychological crutch, but now, it’s totally SOOO 2007. I just can’t. I told you I’m a little weird.
- I’ve just started getting used to the idea of tights with shorts. For me, until now, associating the two seemed almost as paradoxical as leggings with shorts (and those will always be paradoxical. Let’s not get carried away here.)
- And tights are complicated. What happens when you want to go to the bathroom? What do you do then? You pick up your skirt and take down your tights? What’s with this acrobat stuff? I just gotta pee!!!
- Yes OF COURSE I’VE TRIED those tights that keep themselves up. Okay, with that, two things:
little a) My skirts are too short. You see the little lacy top of the tights. I love walking around in a little micro thing, but at the same time, I’m not up for street-walking either, if you follow. This isn’t Zahm, ohhh SNAP!
little b) They’re always sliding down! And yes, definitely, tights that are supposed to keep themselves up are constantly sliding down. You can try to think to the contrary. But then give the secret address of your supplier. Otherwise, they’re constantly sliding down and always at the wrong time. And this is why I… :
little b -2) I tested out some garters for you (Yep! I figured before I became a T-Rex, I should try for a few years to be a real woman, right?). And so here listen, no seriously listen, Dita Von T., queen of the blissful femininity and sublimity:
Not only will they drive you nuts, but on top of that, they’re incredibly difficult to get on. SO, when the time comes in your life when you want to be a little classier (like, yeah, well wait, I’m not really the type to wear those vulgar come-hither tights, yeah baby, ooo look at my garter), you’ll be pretty embarrassed sitting there staring at your crotch trying to get this damned clasp in place.
And don’t even think you’ll be able to get it together really quick in the bathroom because that’ll be a total WALK OF SHAME as your tights are completely turned around and stuck. And normally, this’ll happen the night when you’re at the Château Marmont and George Clooney is sitting just in front of you and his eyes won’t BE IN HIS NESPRESSO, the fool!
Okay, I’ve gotta let you go now. I’ll remind you that I’m on my couch and that I’m wearing tights, and THAT IT’S SNOWING IN PARIS… And so yeah, for the moment, I haven’t found anything better when it’s negative 12 celsius outside to wear with our skirts , shorts and sweater-dresses Pffff, so if I hear myself correctly, I gotta get going to a warmer country… ;-)
Translation : Tim Sullivan