In terms of city bags, there are a many schools of thought.
From the most comfortable to the almost impossible to wear :

1/

The backpack : It’s so ugly it’s beautiful, you wouldn’t understand.
The Epitome : That padded Chanel bag with two giant gold Cs, on loan from the 80s, they don’t make it anymore, which makes it even more trendy. (Personal note = Violaine, whenever you can send me that list of words that you are forbidden in your magazine, that’d be great. I think I’m gonna need it. And if you have any suggestions as to how to replace them, I’ll need those too.)

Ok, so in short… Practical, yes, but too trendy for me.

2/

The messenger bag : I’m cool. So cool. The lower I wear it, the cooler I am.
The Epitome : The Besace Upla. The US army bag.

I don’t really know what to think here, except for the fact that you can’t wear it if you have any chest whatsoever. Hope you don’t mind that I don’t draw this one out.

3/

The little shoulder bag : I’m a beautiful woman. And intelligent. Rich too. I don’t even need to work seeing as I can’t fit anything at all in my bag.
The Epitome : The Céline Classic. The Chanel 2.55.

Don’t wear it on a accross your body, oh man! It’s all in the way you wear it that gives this bag all its charm. Just put it on your shoulder, so 70s, very Céline, very Chloé, very Belle Du Seigneur, so now.

4/

The Shopping Tote : I have a crazy life. I do way too much. If you want we could set up camp here tonight as I have every thing we’d need in my bag, here, even some sausages.
The Epitome : Wicker bags. The Hermès Birkin bag.

Its so great in all its incarnations from the cheapest the most luxurious, except for me, bags are like nature : doesn’t stay empty long. And so it ends up weighing 50 pounds. You have it just in hand at first when it’s all light, and then it gets heavier and heavier, and you try to carry it on your shoulder because you think its going to tear up your hand. Have you ever tried to fit your shoulder in a Birkin handle? Or a classic wicker bag handle? Ahah.

Warning. After this line you get to bags that are a little tough to pull off.

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5/

The handbag. I’m a woman with a career. Sometimes, it’s hard.
The Epitome : The Speedy by Vuitton.

You carry it in hand, carelessly, sometimes you toss it on your shoulder. Every thing is good in how you carry it except for version 5.2, SO 2005.

5.2/

Wearing it on the elbow : Have you seen my bag? Because you should’ve. I just spent a month’s salary on it.
The Epitome : The Speedy by Vuitton. The Stephen Sprouse version. The Motorcycle by Balenciaga. And all this pre-recession opulence.
NO. Even if you’re sometimes tired of carrying your bag in your hand, your bag making its way onto the crook of your elbow, in 2010, it’s absolutely forbidden, especially with your fist out. Even you’re tired, you have every right to version 5.3/, MY VERSION haha.

5.3/

Handbag on the shoulder : I’m so cool. Sofia Coppola made a bag just for me. It’s a speedy, but much snobbier, and with a shoulder strap. BUT I NEVER USE THE SHOULDER STRAP TO WEAR IT LIKE A MESSENGER BAG, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?
The Epitome : Do I really need to repeat myself again?

Warning. Bags that can be hazardous to your mental health are below this line.
Not easy to wear : you spend your whole life thinking about them.

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6/
The clutch : My life? You can see it on Purple Diary. My life, is nightlife. You have a smoke? My Marlboros don’t fit in my clutch, sorry.
The Epitome : Vintage baby. Curse yourself for finding one. Oh and if you want to hold your glass and shake someone’s hand, put it between your legs, let your friend hold it, forget it on the bar, but you’ll curse yourself!

7 and downfall of this entire post /
The Bag So Bizarly Simple That You Have to Make a Drawing so Your Readers Understand, Like a Giant Supermarket Bag but It’s Leather Python Print : I’m so in love with Phoebe Philo. No matter what she does, I want to buy it.
The Epitome : This Céline bag up top that I saw yesterday in the shop in Milan.

Huge, so subject to the weight problem (see number 4), and impossible to wear anywhere except on the tips of your fingers. Could you find a less practical bag? Should I buy it?

Okay, so this post is entirely too long, I had to stop my literary impetus seeing as I sat down in the hotel café, it was tea-time and by the time I raised my head, everyone was attacking the Gavi and mini-pizzas. So I know I’m missing a lot of types of bags, I know, I know. So if you have other ideas as to how to wear a bag, don’t hesitate to pass it along. As for me, I’m after some Gavi.

And I know, I’m missing a chapter about pouch bags, I know, I know.

But they deserve a post unto themselves, so don’t think you’re getting off that easy.

AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, DON’T FORGET WE DON’T WEAR BAGS ON THE ELBOW ANYMORE, OK? OH NO, NEVER!

Translation : Tim Sullivan