Okay, so if you want the real New York experience, there’s something you absolutely have to do (besides brunch), and that’s do some yoga.

One day, one day, one day, I’ll tell you all about the joys and benefits of yoga.In the meantime though, let me tell you about my class this morning.

6:00 a.m. – Right in the middle of my bed, I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming that… it’s 8:00 and I missed my morning yoga class at 7 for reasons beyond my control: my alarm didn’t go off. I fall back asleep, a blissful smile on my face.

6:30 – My alarm goes off. Crap. I dreamt a little too fast.

6:35 – In the middle of my bed: I’m not going.

6:40 – In front of my mirror, pale: Look at my face, no way I’m going.

6:45 – On the stairs: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I am actually going.

6:50 – In the street – Ain’t nothin’ stoppin’ me from just going on. I’m going home.

6:55 – In the yoga studio : Oh my goodness, look at all these crazies here at yoga at 7 in the morning. Poor girls.

7:00 – Right next to the exit: I’ll just set up right here so that if I need to, I’m out.

7:05 – I’m in downward facing dog. It’s stretching out my calves. It hurts!!!

7:10 - Downward facing dog, still. The 10th. How boring is this?

7:15 – Yeaahhhh, okay. We’re done soon right? What time is it? I’ll just go ahead and turn around to check the clock, shhhhhh, super discrete.

SEVEN SIXTEEN???

No way no way. I read it wrong or something. Okay, I’ll just slide my mat a little closer to the door. Shhhhhhh…

Uh oh.

My mat made a weird suction noise, really loud and embarrassing and the teacher asked if she could help me switch my position.

7:18 – Downward f@#%$}*£g facing dog.

7:20 – I’ve got my neighbor’s foot in my neck. I’m not responsible for my actions.

7:25 – I’ve got my other neighbor’s foot on my ass. I won’t say anything without my lawyer present.

7:30 – SEVEN THIRTY!!! I survived a half hour! Champaaaaaaaaaaaaagne!

I’m outta here.

7:35 – Yeah, okay, okay, I can’t just leave with my mat’s weird noise and everything. Downward facing dog, or like the teacher says, adho mukha svanasana. Can’t she just speak animal talk like the rest of the world?

7:40 – fish pose. Well, okay then. Now she’s talking animal like the rest of the world.

7:45 – cobra pose. Seriously now, what’s wrong with me ? What am I doing here?

7:50 – candle pose. It’s a conspiracy.

7:55 – happy baby pose. I won’t give you a description. I never knew my crotch quite so intimately.

8:00 – corpse pose, finally. Laidout like a happy slug. Aha! Look at that, I’m talking animal now too. My animals are a little less glorious than the teacher’s one. But yeah, it’s relaxation time.

The teacher says, “Today, you will move mountains. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.” And other personal development bla bla. I eat it all up with a huge smile. I love when somebody massages my ego like that.

8:01 – I have to add though, the teacher has a ring on each toe, tie and die pants, a peace and love tee-shirt, and her dreadlocks hold with a huge multicolored scarf. She is not afraid to be herself, I guess.

8:02 – OKAY NOW IT’S EIGHT OHHH THREEEE. I’VE DONE MY JOB AND I’VE GOT A RETOX BREAKFAST WAITING FOR ME. ARE WE DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT YET?

8:03 – I can’t believe it, the teacher just said, “I don’t know how you all do it, getting to class at 7 a.m. I never would be able to.” (subtext : if I wasn’t paid to.)(subtext : all you 7am hysterics.)

8:04 – Me and my hysteric 7am friends go back to normal activities.

8:05 – I’M FREEEEE!!! I’ve got a blissed out smile on my face and…

8:10 – I LOVE YOGA.

1:15 – Lunch with a girlfriend. I tell her, “oh no seriously, yoga is amazing stuff. Yeah yeah yeah…. Amazing. Whatever. I love it. It finds balance in life, you know? It makes me a better person. Physically. Psychologically. All that.

So, you gonna come to yoga with me?

Please.

Come on, we’ll laugh. It’ll be great.

No seriously.

Because, wow. Seriously? I am sooooo bored!!!!

Translation : Tim Sullivan.