On Sunday, I was at the Golden Globes.

Naaaaa, not really at the Golden Globes… Much better than that! I was slouched on my couch with a macro from Souen (macrobiotic food = happy conscience), a glass of red wine (screw you happy conscience) and my friend Emily.

Warning = This is definitely the longest post of my life, almost as long as an overly long Golden Globe speech when they start playing the music over your speech to tell you that your time has long passed. So if you want to go get a latte before diving in, or some aspirin, whatever, now’s your chance.

Okay, we’re going to do a little review of all my opinions and emotions (feel free to jump in any time) but first, I’ll say this:
Teeth: Whoa, so white! Seriously, are they all getting their teeth painted before and event like this? I’ll have to remember next time I get an invite.
Celebs: Wow, the number of celebrities per square foot always fascinates me. How do you work out the whole table of honor thing? Sheesh.

The men

Let’s start with a little shout out to the guys. We don’t talk about them enough on this blog. Don’t tell me you don’t like a guy in a tux because frankly, you’d be lying. What could be sexier than a man in a tux jacket?

It’s pretty simple:

JON HAMM IN A TUX.
NO, DANIEL CRAIG IN A TUX.
NO, BRADLEY COOPER IN A TUX?
No.
Gonna go with John Hamm, because not only is he beautiful without being too perfect, he just seems so so so so so much fun.

Oh, and what’s better than a bunch of dudes? A BOUQUET OF DUDES IN SUITS. (holding hands)

The Dresses

Let’s talk for a quick sec about dresses.

Favorites, you say? I’ll give you three. Anne Hathaway in Chanel. Purity, eternity, sublimity, Sang With Her Own Voice in Les Mis, bankability, ultimity.
And plus…
Hold on I’m thinking.
….
Okay that’s it actually. I’m only giving you one dress, sorry.

I know what you’re thinking… Too classic !!! Too boring !!! Not sexy !!! She’s annoying !!! Looks like she’s wearing a cast !!! I don’t care, I love it !

Fine fine fine, let’s not talk about dresses. Let’s talk about beauty. Because even if their dresses weren’t the most amazing, some actresses have me reeling just because of their beauty.

Les Belles

Julianne Moore !!!
That face, that smile, aaaaaah! That woman will take your breath away.
Not at all as loved (but seriously, not at all) was her Tom Ford dress. I dunno, I think it’s one of those love-it-or-hate-it situation. I mean, Cathy Horyn loved it. It’s gotta be a question of taste.

Jennifer Lawrence !!!
The Gown Was Almost Perfect – and even something wasn’t quite right with the décolletage part (which you can’t really see in pictures), I thought the tailoring was right on and loved the tiny waist and beautiful shoulder.

So cute !!! J-Law, I just love you.

Rachel Weisz !!!
We can all get together and agree on just how beautiful Rachel Weisz is, right? She had Daniel Craig as her accessory who, even with his too-small tux and black sunglasses that seemed to serve only to make him look pretentious, isn’t half bad.
Her hair was so Hollywood and I loved it.

Julianna Margulies !!!
Can someone please explain to me where her supernatural radiance came from?
Has she swallowed her Touche Éclat, or what?
I don’t get it, but this woman is magnetic.

Jessica Alba !!!
I know. It’s all too classic. The hair, the dress, the river of diamonds, tralalala.
But what a neckline! So beautiful!

+ Adele (love!), Marion (purity, serenity, ultimity), Taylor Swift (!!!)(Yes!), Michelle Dockery (seems trapped in that top part of the dress though).

Too bad

I could’ve waxed poetic about the Givenchy dress Amanda Seyfried wore, but the mermaid hair got in the way.

No way, guuuuuys, pick it up.

The time comes when you simply have to put your foot down and say no way, that’s just not possible.
J-Lo, Halle Berry (décolletage Fail), Eva Longoria (!!!)(Was she trying to pull a leggelina? Her dress was all over the place)
No wayyyyy !!!!!

The performances

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, we love you!!! They had us cracking up the whole time.

I loved Amy Poelher’s reaction when Bill Clinton made a surprise appearance:

“OMG, that was Hilary Clinton’s husband!”

And then there was this one :

The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year, and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.”

Ah, and :

“Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu — and I hear she’s amazing in it”

And plus, Amy was beautiful in Stella, Wooooop!
Nothing too much more to say other than she’s so classy and Amy, please adopt me!!!

The Tweets

I spent all night cracking up at Twitter. Some people are seriously funny. Here are a few of my favorite.

@MeenalMistry, about Jodie Foster’s awkward speech:
Jodie Foster gets 7.5 chairs on the Clint Eastwood Scale of Televised Confusion #goldenglobes

@kellyoxford, About Lena Dunham’s awkward walk:
How would GIRLS and Lena Dunham make any sense if she were comfortable in heels? #goldenglobes

@VanityFair, about Bill Clinton’s cameo to present the movie Lincoln:
“If you thought [Bill Clinton] was impressive, the Queen is going to parachute in to make a last minute pitch for Skyfall.”#GoldenGlobes

@esmeflynn
It was as if Jodie Foster’s mouth was wearing Lena Dunham’s shoes. #goldenglobes

@JenaFriedman
Jodie Foster is about to have a conversation with a barfly everyone.

Glenn Close Drunk

And now I want to be best friends with Glenn Close.

The scandal.

There can be nary a fancy party without some sort of scandal. But it’s even funnier when you don’t expect it and it just unravels in front of your eyes with no one giving you any kind of warning… I mean, I could’ve used something like : Look out, Jodie Foster is about to blow a 2987654 magnitude media bomb!!! I would’ve paid more attention or something.

Because we love her, yeah, but we also don’t really give Jodie much thought, do we?

And then suddenly there she was, yelling out brandishing her Golden Globe, “I’m 50!!!”

Not the most elegant entrance ever…But you tell yourself, oh, wow, 50, DAMN ! She looks goooooood !!!

There. She did get your attention.

She then goes into some small talk, a little out of breath which is a little weird since the award was a lifetime achievement thing so she knew she’d have to give a speech, and then suddenly, she said she had to make an announcement.

So of course, right away you think she’s talking about her gayness, which nobody really cares about, but that would be kind of good to share once and for all, to go a little against the Hollywood closet (damn, how many are they in there?), but then here’s her big reveal:

“I’m single.”

Seriously Jodie? So anti-climactic.
And then she goes into a speech that is somewhere between a bash of reality TV, a half assed coming out, a farewell to acting and a tearful message to her mother.

And then right then, and I can’t say why, but I just start crying. Emily looks at me weird,I say what the hell is happening to me, and I can’t figure out what’s going on BUT STILL I’M SITTING THERE CRYING.

And now today, I get it. I think Jodie was drunk. And she put her own confusion on us and we got overwhelmed and only tears and tweets could follow.

The cinema and the silver screen.

I still haven’t seen Zero Dark Thirty, but I think some of the judges at the Golden Globes have great taste. My favorite movies were very awarded (Django, Argo, Life of Pi) and the ones I wasn’t so big on didn’t get much (Silver Lining Playbooks? Meh). And all the shows I love (Girls, Homeland) got a lot of awards. Wahooo! Oh, and Christoph Waltz, Tarantino’s new fav actor. Forever love.

Ahhhh, Lena Dunham.

Lena, if you ever want to be my BFF forever forever, we could go up the stairs together. I’d take you by the arm and even if we fell on our faces in front of George Clooney, and the whole crème de la crème, nobody would care because they’d say we are the avant-garde, the future of cinema, and that this sort of this is just so us and that’s why everyone loves us, that, and our unending amount of talent.

What, I am trying to steal your limelight ? Neeeeeeeeeeuuuu !!!

Oh, love.

You know what always gets me during these stupid award ceremonies?
It’s all the beautiful couples. The couples who seem to have it right who aren’t too plastic or too smiley or too anything, the couples who seem like they’re really in love. (I identify !!! ;)
And sometimes, they make grand declarations in public.

Ben Affleck to Jennifer Gardner, soooo cute.

“So, I just want to thank my 3 kids, Violet, Sarah and Sam, I love you guys. And I want to thank my wife who is the reason I’m standing here. I adore you, I love you so much, thank you for sitting through this, you’re my everything.”
Awwwwwww….
(PS : congrats to Ben “the return with revenge” Affleck – after being a little out for a few years, you gave us something to cheer about. Your movie’s great!)

Hugh Jackman to Deb, his wife. A little long, but really great.

“… My wife, I’ve gotta tell ya, a lot of you know my wife. She’s the greatest woman and the world and if I forget to mention anyone babe can you come up and thank them after that would be great. Tom I have never told you this. 3 weeks before we started filming, we had a terrible day at rehersal, a humiliating day, you’ll remember it. I came home to Deb and said, “it’s time. I’ve got to ring him, I’ve got to tell him there’s someone else to play this role.” I really thought I had bitten off more than I could chew. My wife talked me off that cliff, like she talks me most days. Baby, I’m going to say it now in front of the entire world, thank you for always being right. I love you.”

Aaaaww!!!!

And finally, Jodie Foster in her love note to her ex, because even if she seemed confused up there, she still could get out a few words of love.

“There is no way I could ever stand here without acknowledging one of the deepest loves of my life, my heroic co-parent, my ex-partner in love but righteous soul sister in life, my confessor, ski buddy, consigliere, most beloved BFF of 20 years, Cydney Bernard. Thank you, Cyd. I am so proud of our modern family. Our amazing sons, Charlie and Kit, who are my reason to breathe and to evolve, my blood and soul.”

So great. Go get it Jodie.

Aaaaaaah, America.

Right as Emily was getting ready to go, she said to me, “I can’t believe the Golden Globes were that fun to watch. Do you think we’re becoming real Americans?” (Emily is australian and came to New York about at the same time as me)

“Hmmmm…. Nooooooo.”

- Well, is it the first time you sit through the Golden Globes from beginning to end, no ?
• Ah, yes !
• It’s the first time you get all the jokes, no ?
• Mmmm, yes.
• It’s the first time you cry in front of an award ceremony, no ?
• YES.

Guys, I’ll let you draw your conclusions :)