I’m almost sure that as you are reading this line, you are wearing skinny jeans.
Tssss, tsss, don’t deny it. I’m in skinny jeans too, so is Emily. Alex is in skinny jeans too. The entire world is in skinny jeans. Oh wait… LOOOOOOK OOUUTTTTT!!!! Scott is in skinny jeans!
Okay, I’m kidding.
Ok, here is everything about my love-hate relationship with the said garment.
#1 They’re comfortable, the bastards.
Skinny jeans with stretch are as comfy as they get. More comfortable than these? Sweatpants.
I mean like, I could sleep in them. I travel in them, which should tell you everything you know about how comfortable these are…
#2 Especially if they’re low-rise.Low-rise are my personal favorite skinny jeans because of…Comfort. But also because not everybody has Jessica’s body. High-rise just doesn’t work on me. It looks like my legs stop right as my arms begin. (I’m exaggerating, but my torso is pretty short). So, low-rise it is for me, like 99% of skinny jeaners. Who also…
#3 Have no idea what they’re doing. Ladies and gents, lovers of low-rise skinny jeans (myself included) if you please, could you do something for me? I don’t want to see your ass anymore.
Like this happened last time, on a shoot. There were, I dunno, 25 of us or so (Yeah, so a big shoot. So classy, Garance. Ha!)(Oh be quiet. Steven Meisel has 60 people with him on all his shoots.)(Wooo, 40 more and you can call me Steven!!!), and I think I saw the butt-cracks of 65% of all the people wearing skinnies, which was probably 80% of my team.
THAT’S A LOT OF BUTT CRACK.
It happens all the time. I’m in the middle of shooting, everyone is looking at the models, and then suddenly, something has to be changed… A light to move, a hem to be redone…. Whomever is in charge of whatever it is hops into action, crouches and then BAM!!! 24 pairs of eyes get a staring show. Everyone is half-embarrassed, half-amused. Three seconds later, as discretely as possible, everyone pulls their skinny jeans up in a most elegant display of what we call…
#4 The pulling up of the skinny jean.
Allow me for a moment to quote myself, and this might be the first time I’ve ever done this (such satisfaction!). This is taken from an article in 2009 (ah, my adolescence) on the theme of
pulling up outfits in general:
“[…] that’s when the dance begins that will replay itself again and again throughout my day : THE PULLING UP OF THE JEANS. You have to grab both sides nice and firm and, whoaaaa pull them up hard enough to get them back to where they belong, and then bend and stretch your legs in the most stupefyingly graceful movement and then wiggle your ass right back to where it started. SO CLASSY! PULLING UP YOUR LOW-RISE JEANS IS JUST SO CLASSY[…]”
Yes, but skinny jeans are so much more vicious than just then, since skinny jeans…
#5 Skinny jeans are flattering.
Yes, and we like that. Whether we’re big, small, round, thin, or whatever else, skinny jeans make us look good. When you get used to skinny jeans, it gets tough to wearing something else. Especially because…
#6 They go well with everything. Find me ONE THING that doesn’t work with skinny jeans.
#7 You can find them for so cheap!
I bought a pair for $35 at Zara the other day.
Aaaaah, skinny, I would almost declare you my BFF. Even more so that…
#8 They let us be as glutenous as we want. Even better than a real boyfriend, I’d say. Eat whatever you want! With low rise, no problem!!! You never feel the top button pressing against your tummy. And that’s why…
#9 You can gain weight and not worry. My friend realized she gained 15 pounds last year and the only thing that still fit her was… Her skinny jeans !!!
15 pounds! Two sizes up and the jeans were still comfortable!!! That’s just no good, no good at all.
THAT’S JUST TREACHEROUS, even more so that they’re CALLED skinny. How can you feel fat in a skinny, uh? It’s unconstitutional.
Oh. Last thing.
#10 You become a monochromemaniac.
With me, I only like them in a washed out black or white. So I have three of each it seems like I’m always wearing the same clothes. Because really, I AM wearing the same clothes.
Something’s gotta give.
THERE YOU GO. So many reasons that skinny jeans are my best best best worst enemy.
Skinny jeans, I hate you. I love you. I can’t do this anymore.
I am breaking up.
OKAY COME BACK!!!
I was kidding. Stay right here, next to me.
Translation : Tim Sullivan