Okay, so I almost had a nervous breakdown the other day trying on a swimsuit in a fitting room, it’s pretty much like this every year.
And honestly, mes amis, it was totally my fault.

I didn’t respect ANY of the rules concerning the First Bathing Suit Try-on Session.

The FBSTS is serious. It can determine your mood for the months to come, and definitely for July and August, the most important months of the year.

For me, everything is ruined because my first look for summer was worthy of Silence of the Lambs (and by that I mean scary not in a sexy way), but for you going forward, here’s my advice on what to do before you go into the dressing room…

#1 Tanify.
It works for everyone!
I mean, at this point, it’s too late to count on the gym or to go on a crazy diet and so this is the one desperate measure in life that REALLY WORKS. Make sure you go the day before because we all know what happens with a last minute faux-tan session (also known as the “Starbucks Marble Pound Cake zebra effect”) and you don’t need to add that to your already long list of despair.
Oh, and get waxed. Do I really have to say that one? Hmmm, taking into account my FBSTS, I kinda do.

#2 Minimize.
Wash and dry your hair upside down so you can get the most volume possible. Get out all your biggest jewelry. Don’t forget giant sunglasses. Get a venti Starbucks thing. This is called creating an optical illusion.

#3 Beyonceify.
Listen to some music by someone who feels comfortable in her own skin so you can shake your booty while she tells you you rule the world. Playlist at the end of this post…

#4 Scout.
I’m forbidding you from trying on your swimsuit in any random dressing room. Seriously girl? Do you want the same horrific vision I had a few days ago?

I see. You wanna know where I was a few days ago. Okay… Picture this:

You’re as relaxed as can be checking out the goods at & Other Stories. You feel pretty cute in your boyfriend jeans. Suddenly, you see an awesome swimsuit that looks like it could look good on you. Without really thinking about it, you hop into a fitting room. A cruel light falls directly from overhead on your… Sensual curves? Mmm. Yeah let’s say that.
You try to stay cool, philosophical, Eat Pray Lovin’ all the way. You put the beast on.
You gaze into the mirror and RIGHT THEN (cue the high pitched Hitchcock violins)(a horrific scream that all of Paris can hear)(your hair stands straight up) and you realize that not only a white seal has just replaced you in the fitting room, but its image is reflected a million times in the mirrors behind you, going on forever and ever.

So no. Save yourself. Go to a store with dim lighting, with a decently sized dressing room. In New York, I like Journelle. Very comfortable. Phew. We could put together a list if you have any suggestions.

#5 Scout!
Figure out a spot where the bathing suits look darn good on you. Like Eres. If you just ruined yourself buying some Chanel espadrilles, you don’t even have to buy anything.

The idea here is to try something on and see what a well made bathing suit can do for your body so you can see how beautiful you could be. After that, you’ll know what to buy. And you’ll feel beautiful in a bathing suit, which is the goal we’re trying to reach here.

Ok, so you definitely run the risk of just saying screw it and buying the expensive one.

If you know other brands that look good on everyone, tell me!!! I want to know!

#6 Prioritize
No one is making you chose a Brazilian string bikini in a size 0. Tsssss, that’s the one you’ll buy in August.

It’s the first try of the year so stay cool. Pick out a one piece and while you’re at it, pick one two sizes too big, just to have have that winning feeling of popping your head out of the dressing room and asking for a smaller size.

I KNOW THAT’S TWISTED but a bathing suit is like love, it’s the first impression that counts.

#7 Do a shot of ice-cold vodka before hand.

#8 Bring a friend.
Not your boyfriend (“You look amazing my love. Oh hey ! If you want, tomorrow we can start our month of eating just steamed veggies?”) and not your mother (“You look amazing my love. You look more and more like your daddy every day. Look at that little tummy of yours. So cute!!!) and not your friend Gisele (“You look amazing my love. You have to tell me how you do it because no matter what I try, I can’t manage to gain an ounce!”)

No, a friend, a real friend. I mean someone who will talk to you about everything else while you try on your bathing suit, will pretend to not notice when your ass can’t fit into an XS or even an S and not say a word when you ask to try on a Medium (“Oh look at that photo of Kim Kardashian at the Met! Crazy, right?!”) or a Large (“Oh shit. I just broke my arm. Take me to the emergency room!!!”) or even an XL (“I have to tell you something girl, I’ve always been hot for you? Kiss me on the mouth, RIGHT NOW!!!”) or when they tell you that at that point, they don’t have it in your size (*Breaks the fire alarm* “Oh my God! There’s a fire!!! Throw all those bathing suits on the ground! We gotta get outta here!!!”)

#9 Just fuck it and order a bunch online.
I mean really, buying things in a physical store is so totally out. Right?

#10 Christina Aguileraify
Put your earphones on and sing with her : “You are beautiful, no matter what theeeyyyy saaaaaaay, swimsuuuuuuuuits caaaaan’t bring youuuuuu dooooown ooohohoohoho”

Pffff nooo. And really, I realize that outside of just Gwynethifying yourself all winter long, there’s no way the FBSTS is going to go perfectly smoothly.
But hey, thanks to these little tips, you can minimize the damage, which isn’t half bad.

In the mean time, I’ll let you go…. Pfffff, I have to go Jillianify.

Translation : Tim Sullivan