Author’s note: Mom, don’t read this.
Everything about this guy seemed ideal: he had a genuine interest in the mundane details of my day, a career and a regular flossing habit.
Everything, that is, until we had sex.
Sex with him was like playing opposite day with a Cosmopolitan article: silent (not even a single moan? c’mon!), fast (“Have you seen a doctor about this?” fast), boring (there are other positions, you know) and embarrassing (of all words you could string into a sentence after, “I” and “am” and “sorry” are just about the worst picks).
I gave the failing sex a pass for a few weeks. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe it was me. Maybe I could teach him. Maybe I needed to be more vocal with my wants and needs and “a little to the right.” Maybe it would get better. Maybe we just haven’t found our rhythm yet. I rationalized and sympathized for as long as I could.
But it didn’t get better, and the more times we had sex, the less interested I became. By the time my next rent check was due, my sex drive disappeared altogether (come back! where did you go?) and numbness, not to mention a tiny bit of spite and dread, set in. Suddenly I was claiming exhaustion and headaches and “I think I’m getting a cold.” The more we discussed what was going wrong, the more I wanted nothing to do with it, and ultimately, him.
Which brings up a touchy subject: Is bad sex a deal breaker? At first thought it seems so shallow. But what about his steady job and solid education, you ask!
Untimately though, I kept coming back to the question, “Can I live with bad sex forever?” And the answer, after a half-second of soul-searching, was a resounding, shout-it-from-the-rooftops no, never, nuh-uh, absolutely not.
To his disadvantage, when he and I started dating, I was still licking my wounds from a particularly painful breakup — a breakup with a long-term boyfriend who was the best in bed. That’s a tough act to follow, no matter how skilled you are in bedroom tricks. But here’s hoping he figures out what makes both him and a lady feel good. Because, really, his teeth are far too perfect and plaque-less to be single forever.