Advance Warning: My 10 Spring Failures.

Here are 10 activities (among others, since I had to pick and choose) I’m planning to start this spring with a great big heart, motivation on high, and absolutely no memory of the fact that every spring…It’s the same story. I decide to:

Exercise more.

“Noooo, hang on a second, you don’t get it. This is Pilates, ok? It’s not the same! It’s the perfect sport for me because my problem is my midsection, really. I’m starting tomorrow. I mean, the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m busy.”

Protect myself from UV rays.

“The sun in the city is awful. Alex, could you maybe talk about it on the blog so we know exactly what we should be doing?” Yes! Ooh la la la, this post is so good! Now I know EXACTLY what to do! I’m starting tomorrow. Mmm, yeah, I really didn’t have time this morning. I was busy.”

Plan my dream vacation.

Not too far.
Not too hot.
Not too close.
My phone? Totally off. Too bad it’s the perfect time to Instagram, though. Because honestly, when you’re not traveling and you’re working on your book every day in bed or on the couch, I’m not sure what there is to take pictures of, other than taking selfies… Well, ok. Just one Instagram per day. But no checking emails!!! …Well, ok, just two per day.
It has to be a couple’s vacation, but with time alone. You know what I mean?
Detox.
But with margaritas starting around 6, though.
Plenty of exercise, and total relaxation.
In the sun.
But in the shade.
See what I mean?

Start taking selfies.

I’ve been saying this for two years now. Oh yeah, definitely: it’s as dumb as it sounds and I still can’t do it.

Change my style.

Tired of being a tomboy! This season, I’m going to be so feminine!!!
Scott, you’re gonna like this.

*Buys three skirts*
*Tries them all on at home*
*Loves it all, go to bed with dreams of a total fashion makeover in my head*
*Has a dream where she’s on the cover of Vogue Paris: Garance, her style, her art*
*Wakes up feeling ready to take on the world!!!*
*When the time comes to get dressed, grabs a pair of jeans and sneakers.*

Have a party.

“Oh my god, I really want to have a party!!! Come on, let’s have a party! Come ooooon, an amazing party!”

I’ll make a playlist. Do you like hip hop? I have a place picked out and everything. We can have it at my friend’s roof top, okay it’s in Brooklyn but it’s going to be so cool. I’ll make some things to eat – all gluten-free, paleo, and vegan, of course. Yep. And macarons. And everyone can bring something to drink, and oh la la, I have the PERFECT cocktail recipe, it’s got fresh fruit in it.
And yeah, obviously – we’ll only invite our real friends, so we can all finally get together for once. Aaaah, it’s going to be so cool!

Ok, so what’s a good date for you? Just let me know! Can you tell me by tomorrow? Ok, cool. Don’t forget, ok? If you don’t remind me, I’ll forget.”

Go to flea markets…

… Or just sit around reading magazines all Sunday morning?
The answer is in the question.

Clean up and get organized.

Yes! It even has a name: Spring Cleaning – the activity that moves Garance to go into her closet, wave her arms around, saying: “It’s unbelievable how much stuff is piling up, no really, how is this even possible?” put on some loud music, dance a little, and sort things into four piles:

- give away
- get altered
- put in the garage
- throw away

Then she remembers she doesn’t have a garage, and has to jump over the four piles all weekend until she gets sick of seeing them and throws it all into one big bag on Sunday night. Only to re-sort the piles the following weekend. And not know where to take the things to give away. And not know where to sell them. Or where to get them altered. Only to finish Spring Cleaning at the end of the summer. Just in time for Fall Cleaning.

Be perfectly waxed every day.

Ahahahahahahahahah!!! Lol.

Be perfectly manicured every day, even on my feet (like, okay, pedicured).

Ahahahahahahahah, come on, stop! It’s too much! I haven’t started Pilates yet – my abs are going to explode from laughing so hard!

Be exactly the same every day for the rest of the year.

Voilà. You get it now. Secret of my life? Never change a winning team.

So, what are your plans this spring?

Translated by Andrea Perdue.